five years ago today...

FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY 11 September 2001 honestly i have no idea what to say and yet as i writer i have so much to say. this all seems so unreal and yet at the same time is is so hauntingly, chillingly real. Knowing that i have nothing to truly fear, i still fear. i cannot believe this, yet i know it to be true. i feel the evil, the thick black hand gripping this event. i have felt this level of evil before and recognize the tone. my mind screams nothing good will come of this and at the same time i know that God will work ALL things for the good of His will. it's at times like these i realize how little i know of important things. How little i've done. all my accomplishments, all my possessions, all my goals are merely temporal. i realize how little i have actually read of the Bible and how much i skimmed or skipped over. i can't help but realize that i have blown it in so many aspects of my life. i am overcome by helplessness when i should be bolstered by the strength i know exists for my benefit. i know God cares for me and loves me and will keep me as His own. and i can't help but feel as though i have let Him down. I have spent so much time exploring for new talents that i have neglected the ones i knew of. i have stretched my resources to a point where i have become a mediocre vessel. my only prayer is for God's direction and guidance as i devote all i have left solely to Him. i am so worn down that i know i need rest and at the same time i have so much to make up for . . . 12 September 2001 a cup is placed before me evil boils within it i know that i must drink it Your will and not my own. father this anxiety is crushing me i am not strong enough i pray you stay with me i cannot make it alone. this cup before me i cannot drink fear shakes my inner being i tremble at the very thought of it i feel my body and soul bleed. father take this cup from me i am unworthy of this divine task i recognize your sovereign will i realize the need. i grasp this cup before me these fingers that have sinned much are strengthened by your might i feel your power. father take this cup from me i beg you let it pass father i pray your will be done strengthen me this hour. - taken from my pre-blog blog: spiritvsFLESH.com peace... love... bdg...